Gunfleet Boating Club News Letter-

June 2004  

Firstly, a gentle reminder. The speed limit from the low water mark (that’s when the tide is out I am informed) is 5mph for the first 200yards (182.82meters). Please obey this rule. It’s for every body’s safety. A copy of the full rules will be sent out again to all shortly. Secondly, if you have not filed your insurance details with me yet, please do so ASAP. If the club does not have a copy of a valid insurance policy, then you will not be able to launch. Thirdly, no glass containers are to be taken on to the prom, and please ensure that all empty bottles, wrappers etc are not left on the wall. I thank you all for your envisaged cooperation in these matters. AND FINALLY, PLEASE KEEP THE GATE LOCKED. Members not abiding by the above may face expulsion for the club.

The impromptu BBQ the other Saturday went well. (What else could you really expect with yours truly in charge of the onions and Stutter Dave and his boys in charge of the meats (Dave lived in Oz for a while and you know what they are like…If it doesn’t have pulse….throw it on the Barbie).

However, the fish & chip/ Quiz night went well and thanks to Chris (I used to be a professional tiler but I prefer to cook) Wright, Russell (I’ll just do these chips until someone gives me a microphone) Fisher, Steve B, Keith Bailey, Kath, Coddy and everybody else who helped make this function a success.

Thanks also to Bill boat, Colin Wells, Coddy, Chris, some of the Sudbury 5 and every one who helped with the painting of the out side of the club house a couple of Sundays ago.

This was sent to me the other week and I thought I would share it with you all: -

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.  The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: -

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.  This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.  This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often-lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

> PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
> home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt

Well, that’s about it for the moment. See you all soon.

Jon (with the nice shinny bits bolted on the ultra) Moss

If you are on E-Mail and wish to receive further newsletters via that media, please mail me at jmoss.moss@virgin.net Also the web site is now up and running and can be found at www.gunfleetboatingclub.co.uk